Honolulu, HI - The Hawaiian Punch will join the NBA’s West Coast Conference beginning with the 2006 season. Top players are being wooed with beautiful beaches and luaus. Allen Iverson is considering the move and said “Dude, it’s a no brainer. Where would you rather play your home games, Hawaii or Philly?”
So far, the leading candidate for coach of the new team is Tom Selleck, best known for the television show Magnum, P.I. NBA league officials opposed the new team’s name, fearing it would attract the league’s more aggressive players, but had no legal recourse.
New York, NY- Investors continued to sell on Wall Street, this time based on fears of declining sales of glazed donuts. Analyst Peter Almond, of Pile, Stack & Run, stated that “The reckless glee index (RGI) fell another 2% in the last 30 days - an all-time low.” Jerry Inflatt, of Great Negate, agreed and added “Declining glazed donut consumption is the primary factor in the slide of the reckless glee index.” He added that “On the bright side, the index has got to move back up sometime.”
New York, NY- A Feng Shui Expert spent the previous night partying and then tried to perform his job the next day with disasterous results. Lu Chow Zen, 33 of Brooklyn, NY, is being sued by Richard Lowberg for “creating tremendous disharmony” at his business office in Manhatten. Lowberg, an attorney, came into work late that morning to find his office in shambles. “It looked like something from a Three Stooges episode.” Lowberg said.
Dallas, TX - Daniel Brownunder was abducted early Friday morning from his cubicle after numerous employees filed complaints about severe odors that never seemed to go away. Co-workers described the smells as “not of this earth.”
The Gas Squad is frequently becoming a solution to awkward or embarrasing situations in which upper management fails to act. Abducted employees are given thorough internal examinations and have their insides “totally cleaned out.” A monitoring of the employee’s eating habits ensues to ensure no further problems arise that would disrupt the workplace. Brownunder is expected to return to work on Monday “as if nothing ever happened.” Little is known about the Gas Squad, except that they are out there, and their techniques work.
Office worker Daniel Brownunder is missing in action until the Gas Squad is through with him.
Brownunders co-workers celebrated all day Friday after the Gas Squad made the abduction. “This will be the first day in years that my eyes won’t water when I go over to the accounting department.” said Jill Albert from the sales department. CEO Bob Martin said “I don’t know who brought in the Gas Squad, but it will be interesting to see the efficiency effects on Brownunder and the staff.”