Los Angeles, CA - A new dating site opened on the Internet today targeting mutants and aliens. “We thought there was more than a few of them running around out there, so we believed they might need a place to meet online conveniently.” says founder Robert X. Terra. The site www.ET-Mutant-Dating.com is free, and the site received 4,500 sign-ups the first day. Some of the more famous registrants included: an older, more sophisticated E.T., a graying Chewbacca, and the vivacious Storm from X-Men fame.
HumorUpdate.com - USA - Does it really make a difference if a person uses the fan after taking a dump, or not?
Yes - 10%
No - 89%
Undecided - 1%
Michelle Williams of Seattle, WA, summed it up best: “My husband leaves the bathroom with a smell so strong, the dogs won’t go in there. That fan doesn’t do jack.”
Greensboro, NC - If you ever wanted to smoke all day long without disturbing anyone next to you, the new Smoker Super Helmet could be for you. Developed by TobaccoForever, Inc., the versatile unit cuts down on cigarette expense by trapping in smoke for up to 6 hours, extending the life of one pack to 1-3 days.
Critics point out that not much oxygen will get in there. However, users of the new product don’t seem to care.”I’m here to smoke ‘em up. If I was worried about oxygen, I’d wear a freakin’ oxygen mask.” Johnny Lighter argued. Company spokesman Bob Carton added “The Smoker Super Helmet looks rigid, but can actually be molded, much like a Spider-Man doll, for example. We also point out that cigars or other fine smoking products can be enhanced with the new Smoker Super Helmet.”
Husband takes anti-aging pill - and it works
Miami, FL - Patty Delgado, wife of Alejandro Delgado, could hardly believe her eyes when she woke up.
New York, NY - Drug manufacturer WhatsWrongWithThisPicture announced today that a new pill will cure the common cold in six hours. News of the new pill sent shares of the company’s stock skyrocketing, to close at 20.25, up 172%. “We’re excited and happy to do the public some good.” spokesperson Eric QuickTurnaround said today. Of course the new Isitworthit pill has a few minor side-effects, as with all new drugs these days.
The possible minor side-effects included:
Head and body hair self-igniting
Vomiting while sleeping
Toe-nails, finger-nails, and skin falling off
Urge to throw boss out the window
Inability to determine left from right
Craving for fried guinea pig
Just remember, your cold will be gone
Dagobah System - Yoda reportedly lost his temper today, frustrated at the way his skill with the Force was portrayed in Star Wars Attack of the Clones. “As powerful as I am with the Force, that guy should not have lasted more than 5 seconds. Do you really think that I would need a light saber to handle that guy?” Residents of Dagobah witnessed Yoda using the Force to uproot trees and bushes sporadically throughout the day.